Sarcastic Saturday – 9

Hello, and welcome to my new weekly article, Sarcastic Saturday. Before I get into ripping the new movie 9 to pieces, let me just tell you a little about this brand new “daily”.

Basically, I, Hannah Denney, will be picking something out during the week that I think is ridiculous. This can include something from anything that we here at Geekspective are concerned with: video games, comics, tabletop games, books, movies, crafts, technology, and anything else in the realm of geekdom.

After I pick my weekly subject, I will come here and let you know why I think it’s stupid. And as a disclaimer, be aware that I will sometimes use profanity, as my opinions can be heated.

Now, without further ado, let’s discuss the brand new movie 9. And it should go without saying, but I’ll give you a big bold SPOILER ALERT anyway.

To preface, I would really expect something more of a movie with so many big name actors in it, even if they are just voicing. Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, Christopher Plummer, and John C. Reilly.. come on  guys, what were you thinking?

Now, where to begin with this piece… I suppose as the movie did, we can begin at the beginning. The movie starts off with the last of the little sackboys, 9, waking up in the scientist’s, uh, I guess it’s a lab, although it just looks like a little piece-of-shit room to me, covered in paper and, oh yeah, the scientist himself sprawled out on the floor.

Well, little 9 wakes up, falls on the floor, and what does his dumb ass do? Maybe check out his birthplace, all the papers scattered around, a box with his name on it or at least the DEAD MAN on the floor? Of course not. Instead he runs outside because he saw somebody that looked like him.

I don’t know about you, but if I sprinted out the door every time I saw a 20-something woman walk by, I’d never get anything done. So begins 9′s legacy of idiocy, as he takes the little circle he was born with and trots off into the outdoors.

After some unfortunate events, 9 finds himself with the overbearing leader 1 and his lackeys. 1 looks an awful lot like the Pope with his giant white hat and staff, and spends most of the movie berating 9 for asking questions that are “irrelevant” and wanting to actually know stuff.

This thinly-veiled stab at religion amused me to no end, but even I have a small amount of unblackened heart and found it somewhat rude.

Further along the path, 9 and company kill the “beast” that 1 had warned them about, and all seemed right with the world. However, the movie had only been playing for about 20 minutes at the time so something else had to move the plot along.

Of course, this brings in the catalyst of 9. He was born with the circle thing that the little beast had stolen and been trying to insert into a bigger beast. Of course, upon taking back his circular treasure and killing the beast, 9 sticks the thing right into the hole it had been trying to use. This awakens an even BIGGER BEAST THAT CAN MAKE MORE BEASTS, thus giving the movie a reason to continue trundling along.

This raises a few questions with me, namely, why the hell did the scientist leave the circle thing there for 9 to find, and why did 9 stick it in the hole that was obviously Smaller Beast’s goal? He didn’t even stop to think about it. The character is completely worthless, and only serves to make the movie happen, period.

Of course, later we find out that all 9 of these little beings are pieces of the scientist’s soul. 9 goes back “to the source” aka scientist (as the irritating mentally-challenged 6 urges) and finds a film with his name on it, in which the scientist has embedded this little nugget of information.

The scientist must have studied under Lord Voldemort and tried to outdo him by making 9 Horcruxes instead of 7. Too bad it killed him!

And, apparently 1/9th of the scientist’s soul was a woman, since one of the little beings is female? Well, of course, it has to be, to serve the ending.

The ending which finds 5 of the 9 little creatures dead, and how conveniently, all is set right when 4 beings are left: a daddy, a mommy, and two little rascally children.

The perfect nuclear family, set to save the earth from… what exactly? Being free of human souls? It’s not like they’re going to procreate, being robots, and everything, right? But that doesn’t matter, as long as we have the time-honored traditional family around. All fundamentalists’ hearts can rest easy now: the 1950s family will rule the earth when we’re all dead.

All that being said, the movie wasn’t COMPETELY horrible. The CGI was stunningly beautiful, with a stop-motion feel to it that at least kept me visually stimulated the whole time.

The best part of the movie, however, was big burly 8 getting his rocks off with a magnet close to his robotic cranium midway through the movie. What a perfect drug source: completely renewable, easy-to-use, and no unwanted aftereffects. It almost makes me wish my skull was full of a motor instead of squishy grey matter and blood.

Tags: 9, animated, cgi, magnet high, movie, pope, sarcastic saturday, shane acker, tim burton