New Moon is the retarded version of Underworld.  Werewolves versus vampires; same old story but this time with teenage angst and romance. Jacob Black, newly blossomed werewolf, full of raging hormones must protect his beloved Bella from the evil bloodsucking monsters, aka the Cullens. Will he be able fend them off? It’s sure to be the most heart wrenching, devastating struggle of all time.

Or… will it?  Based on these pictures… Jacob is a sweetly retard man-child. All he’s missing is a bit of drool coming out of his mouth. I don’t think he would stand a chance against the Cullens with their chiseled jaw lines, cleft chins, quirky eyebrows, and icy soulless glares. This family is a Frankenstein Calvin Klein ad. Poor Jacob doesn’t stand a chance. If he isn’t blinded by their sparkling, he’ll surely suffocate from their cologne, aka “eau du vampire”; that is, if he doesn’t choke on his slobber first.